Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
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[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.