Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
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My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.