[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
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I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
wtf management?!
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
guys I’m going home
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Animal poetry
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?