When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?