What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
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[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
How software testing works
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats