why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
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what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.