you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
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6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Namaste
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.