him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
You Might Also Like
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Everyone’s family
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀