1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
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7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China