Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
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Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
just leave it at the foot of the bed
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[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Rather alarming headline…
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The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of