Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
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If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.