wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
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earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
😂😂😂
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
My god she’s good.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
How to find Kentucky on a map
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!