Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
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I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster