*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
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ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.