….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
You Might Also Like
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.