Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
You Might Also Like
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Previously On Persistence 😎
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*