“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Monday?
No. Next question.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Twitter remains undefeated
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder