in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
You Might Also Like
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”