All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
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I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).