whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
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I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”