A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
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Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it鈥檚 like, hurry up already aliens
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You鈥檙e definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
It鈥檚 my son鈥檚 birthday this week; so we鈥檝e been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Me: this meeting could鈥檝e been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 馃檪
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i鈥檒l leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
#TopTip
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Can鈥檛. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I鈥檓 the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can鈥檛 wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO