Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
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Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?