“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
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My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
And now we wait
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”