interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
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Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.