Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
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Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
tinder is all about the long game
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist