If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.