If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”