Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
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Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.