I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
You Might Also Like
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee