I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
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Hear me out: WrestleVania
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Incredible customer service.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers