i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
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My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.