[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀