When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
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When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.