My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
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*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
be careful
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
DOOO EEEET
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.