This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
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Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Lmao the reply
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower