Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
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You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Lmao
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar