I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
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“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
This one’s “Alex”.