Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
You Might Also Like
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait