THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
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[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.