I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
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[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Florida be like…
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!