I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
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C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.