Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
In Canada they just call them geese
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.