i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
You Might Also Like
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.