We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
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[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored