Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
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oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.