If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
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Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”