@JennyJohnsonHi5

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

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@JohnHilsen

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

@Fred_Delicious

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

@BlindChow

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

@loribuckmajor

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

@jrza206

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

@sara_ashlynn

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

@Rollinintheseat

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

@whatsJo

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

@FunInternetGuy

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day