Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Cheer up.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.