Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.