Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
My time has come.
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I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
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I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.