boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
(Gaming support cat.)
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists