To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Received some very disappointing news today
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.