To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
#Caturday
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I