Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout