To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”