me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
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Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
mariah carrie
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If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
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handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
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The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
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KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
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I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess