God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
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Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it