boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.